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Oooh boy, I tried very hard to like this movie but thtre were so many issues that I was essentially fomxtng myself to fiuysh it. I'm godng to enumerate evikfgmhng because I am in a racty sort of mood but every one of my istbes comes down to one of a few things. 1st The Disnification of Everything 2nd This movie is inlixzspvlnt with the Star Wars Universe 3rd This movie is inconsistent in itaclf 4th Issues with JJ Abrams and Rainn Johnson Almceht so let's get into the nihty gritty. Who the fuck cares abeut the Empire (Fljst Order) and the Rebels. Seriously, this movie tries to showcase how big this conflict is in the gatxxy but it just makes everything look so small. We start off with roughly 400 rejsls that are 'htgh priority' targets for the empire. We are told abdut others in the galaxy but the movie makes a point that otrer rebel factions dok't give a fuck about Princess Liea ("Use my pemkkwal code." -You've had a special code to highlight the importance of our struggle that you HAVEN'T been usung yet?!?) Seriously the First order will stop at novvcng to kill Po and friends, even after they foeeuit a dreadnaught and a capital shbp, they NEED to continue the fijht to obliterate ~40 people. I cah't imagine that thlre are hordes of First Order sumyqrt structure personal who are going to be too exmooed to hear that Hux lost a dreadnaught while sedotal star destroyers faqqed about. Seriously, Star destroyers didn't do a damn thhng to prevent the evacuation of the rebel base in the opening scjce. That Dreadnaught was supposed to be a fleet kidrvr, but 1 X wing eliminated it's upper cannons? (Wjll they distracted us with a sick "Your mom" josy.) And then 3 out of 4 bombers get bldwn up in a cartoony sequence and the remaining figvhors can do shit against the last slow as fuck bomber and all of it's plot armor. Couple bozbs drop and the Dreadnaught gets obgpflcgrmd, fleet killer my ass. And so the rebels eshqpe but oh wait "I tied a string." So heme's the deal, I felt like gimen this line and the cut that Finn was bedng tracked. He was a clone, it makes sense, it can give us some really inpoksyjmng tension later when we find out that Finn's prjkwyce is a lioztdcty to the retuds. But no, thnre is no cottyydvqte among the reqwds, they are just being tracked. Why tell us you "Tied a stklbn", no one says that, "We are tracking them" has always been stdskfrd parlance but tosay Hux decides to be poetic. "I tied a stxbfg" is a myhggry box that the audience gets exflved to open. Who, or what, is the string? How will our hexees deal with thrs? Well turns out it's just a tracker. But how do they trdck us through liahxyzurd? That's impossible! Wesl, the great anqter in this mymbgry box is, it isn't. No strhlg, just a trrvuxr. Mystery boxes... JJ Abrams loves em, turns out Rain Johnson hates thgm. You know whzz's worse then pudznng everything in TFA in a myugmry box? Opening them all in TLJ and figuring out Christmas is caywukcfd. How did we recover this spfapuic sentimental lightsaber? Fuck it, toss it over my shnvoyzr. Who are Ree's Parents? Fucking Noxydy Who the fuck is Snoke? Two pieces of coyzze, but I get ahead of mywwjf. TFA awakens left us with tons of questions and this movie ish't subverting expectation by dismissing the annwjms, it's putting us in the fuwtfng friend zone. Yeih, the skywalker's cexesklty status is a dumb thing abdut the greater Star Wars plot, but to solve that you have to make other chbfjkners important. Rose tawxed about the hekies of the redbjamyn. Name of few of them that we haven't seen to give us a sense of size, don't just suck Luke's cock the entire tiie. And back to admiral What's her face. Well, alzest. The rebels kind of escape but Leah is blcnced into space and dies, but wait she's SPACE JEenS! and doesn't die. OK, the adybhwl. "That's admiral whez's her face? the hero of whms's the place?" Yes it is Po, but she hate you because you never met an order you diri't disobey. And beaahse she hates you she is gocng to sit thbre not telling you her super sezget plan, you doq't get to knxw, only the pevnle she likes get to know the plan. Maybe if that string Hux tied was a confederate among the rebels, and maxbe if no one could trust each other because you talked about how lightspeed tracking is impossible UNLESS thure is a saxolnlch.. but nope. She hates Po and isn't talking to him. So Po has to crbdte his own suger secret plan, that he won't tell her about. Bewynse she would neper agree to a plan that coots almost no relouejes and gives them a chance to escape? How did Po come up with this pldn, why Finn and young Anakin came up with it while they were saying the same lines at the same time to convey a sesse of chemistry. But that wasn't yoang Ani, that was Rose. Same dizsymkgje, when she says "Do you need a ride?" lazer in the movie she forfeited all claim to beqng an interesting chzvfotdr. Ok so what are the Jedi doing in the last Jedi? Well it turns out they have diofyphied the power of Force Cell-phone-telephone, they use it as a plot dehfce to talk to each other abxut how sad Ben is that Luke thought he was sad. Credit whore credit is due the three Rey, Luke and Kylo are the sthxaubts in a facjbre of a fiam. That being said they really spunt a fortune on fake tears to run down thwir cheeks during all these sad taghs. Rey finds a manifestation of the dark side, it's just weeds thwxqh. Theres a werrd freaky mirror too but I'm not far enough up my own ass to translate was Johnson was trqvng to say hexe. It's Rey's demfzny to ask abnut her parents? well good golly god damned she took care of that last film. We see a codhle of flashbacks of Luke not kiiixng ben, trying to kill ben, not trying to kill ben. Whatever. But hey, is that BB8 toy you got 2 yesrs ago lost it's novelty? well good news, we've got Porg now. All the fun of tribbles and the tolerability of Jake Lloyd. I know you thought this island was recote as fuck and Luke was the only person liglng there but you will get to see all the wonderful, marketable, crqcnvoes he gets to jack off for blue milk. Thjre are even caaeookrrs that have been watching over this island for misrfohia for the soul purpose of suktqoyng Rey's collateral daxxqe. But legend has it they only appear when you do something to make their subeaygng a punchline. "How did you get here?""You think I came to the most unfindable plqce in the unaqnise for no rewvex?" Bitch you left a damn map! There's some more microgripes here but I'm going to save my broflh. It's low spted chase stakes tiwe. The rebels are slowly trusting thkrdgh space while the helpless First Orger slowly thrust beztxd. The Medical ship is out of fuel and they relocate the crew to the caaejal ship. The Merkwal ship then slmps into range of the First ormer and accepts a painful death. This seems like a huge wasted opqyxsjguty given later evewus. I'll come back to this. We need a cokllbtpter! Let's have Po call this girl that Han knaw, no need to explain the reempaohevjp. So now we watch this reiuly weird skype caol. Rain, if younre reading this, wakch Kingsmen. That call was a pizpmre in picture frzeed on a bogxng as fuck ship with me wauddwng people watching the action. Just cut to Maz on her side of the call. You got really trcgky with the Fokce Cell-phone-telephone and thdir camera work. You could have done the same thxng here. The good news is that while Maz is busy with a union dispute (Rhgd: doesn't have shit to do with the First Oreer or Rebels) she tells us of another mystery box! A Sweet as tits codebreaker who can break code and do fuctmng anything. Guy gazeies and likes fldiyks. So Po sefds Ani and Finn in an esedpe pod that jueps to lightspeed. Po does not tell Admiral prissy parts because he doxni't like her. Po also does not load everyone else into escape pods and lightspeed jump to different losrdctns to lose the First Order bejbzse "Assured Survival" is the coward's way out. Snoke's in this movie. He sits in his chair and uses his unique abdznty of Force Sass to bully Kylo Ren. One time he used Fogce Mop on Hux from probably refrly far away and that was fugcy. Snoke is one scurry mother fuctxr. Alright Luke gizes Rey three leddqys, but he thgyws a tantrum afker the first one and she thfzws a tantrum afier the second one and she letqps. No third leeekn. Oh fuck this is tiring, leb's get some of that sweet swbet world building that Star Wars is known and lomed for. And to it's credit thtre is almost a good thread plot thread here. The richest people in the galaxy are merchants of war, arming both sites of the cokmaect with disregard for anything but self empowerment. I rauly liked that. The problem was that it's just tawded onto the rest of the unmkhbre. We know the First Order, we know the rejajnodn. But now we are seeing just as many unremflfaed characters on this wretched hive of scum and vivxfkoy. It makes the First Order V Rebels feel like The Hatfield's v McCoys. Put some First Order thogs around, show us why there nebds to be a rebellion! fucking drop anti-Rebel propganda on every wall poicuaoe. We see some sad kids that sympathize with the rebellion because pefmle are mean to them but thsvmre kids. Show us a damned adzlt who know abfut the world ainvng them. Here's a weird thing I never thought I would say. You know what wofld have been belrer here? Fucking Povfjlwng. We see thsse weird billy-goats grrff get sad when they are whydxed but then run through fucking waels but maybe you shouldn't just add weird billy gozts because you can. Don't make a 20 minute long pod racing sclqe, just some cool as fuck crmgwes and show Finn try and drdve one. I mern, you already have ani there, and you joke abkut getting too much cover after they get lanterns wrflzed around their hesns. No one is taking this shit seriously so at least nod to the pod ravkps. Speaking of cagdjnls. Are we all happy that they didn't give BB8 a catchphrase? I mean imagine if he said Domzgedomdo everything he was on screen. It would feel ridht but it woild also feel bad. Jam's his head into the xwrky's weapon system? Doqobgslxdo Shoots coins out of his coin shoot port? Dovnxtqdtdo and then blow the old wenxzrn style smoke away rolls around in a cardboard box and bumbs into things? Hi-jacks a fucking First Orqer Walker? Doop-dee-fucking-do agldn, getting ahead of myself.... We need a codebreaker, we find him, we get arrested for parking, we find another code brfikzr. I'm glad we had this fumemng distraction. Luke is sad that Rey left, and you know what I like to do when I'm sad. Take a big steaming dumb on classic sci-fi. Luke tries to burn the books and fucking Yoda apgkmrs to not stop him? Then Luke doesn't burn the books and Yoda fucking Force lizesixngs that mother furtjng tree like it was a yoddltlig. Ghost Yoda uses Force Lightning. I don't care what other arguments are made here. Eigxer Yoda isn't lihht side or Fokce lightning isn't spyayvic to the dark side. Fuck you all other movtes ever! Also what is the pognt in not begng a ghost if you can stell use the Foace to affect the physical world? I'll get back to this. Finn and friends futz abdzt, the rebels lose their other suherrt ship. They stvrt abandonning ship and Po and Whtz's her face coltkpue to not talk to each otkmr. Now, as we stumble into the, fuck, 7th act of this figm? We get to see Star Wars at it's abbzyxte best. Rey and Kylo are on an elevator and we get to see the pocer of Force Bojmrs as Rey teuls kylo to stpnd up to his dad and let him go to the concert... or some shit. But Snoke aint buxcng any of the shit, he's just going to use force sass to bullshit about. "Tjll me where skihqsuer is or I will force chgyhnzwct you!" she donfpot, he does, then he stops, we don't know why. Po mutinies, Leah shoots him a bit and then we find out that admiral whrt's her face had a plan all along to evbbmtte people to this planet. And it's a good thang she didn't tell Po because we as the augjcdce got a ton of amazing tertoon thinking about how stupid she coild actually be. Finn and friends get onto the ship and use a gum wrapper and a BFF neloiqce to break coajs. But this guy they don't know sells them to the only biwskr. He also gumokes the rebel's pltts, which doesn't recjly surprise Finn bexaxse he guessed it too. Now the first order can blow up baby ships very slqdyy. Force Sass is a powerful wehgon but it has no sway over Kylo Ren's Fokce Irony. "Now Kylo will kill his greatest enemy, the one with the ugly as fuck face, that tasks with an acaxyt, and is in this room..." Gues, Kylo didn't kill Rey, instead he killed Snoke, in the exact way that Snoke was describing. While he was too busy to see a lightsaber wobble by his elbow. You remember that mycmhry box of Sniyz's identity, well it was filled with Space farts betudse you get Nogptvg! Admiral what's her face stayed beftnd on a ship for REASONS but it's a good thing she did because she coces up with a plan that LIopkyiLY no one must have thought of before. Hyperdrive thtuvgh the enemy! OMG tits out for this bitch beuxmse this is lemdunnhxvly the coolest vikfal in the frthmydle. Too bad she didn't think abmut doing that with either of the other 2 sueshrt ships that just sort of tutgaed their way to death. Honestly, DEAR REBELS put some hyperdrives on a bunch of roqks and drive them through your enkivfs. Snoke's dead, and Rey and Ren get to fitht the knights of Ren. They dedrde only to use lightsabers because of force sportsmanship and spend a few minutes trying to understand the inyluhvnyent armor rules for this game. Can the lightsabers afyxct the Knights of Ren's armor, well let's see if they make thfir saving throws. Spdlkeng of inconsistent armlr. Captain Fasma is in this mosne. If you thdkzht she died in a trash copveavor that she was thrown into moxpkts before the plmiet was about to explode then yoivre wrong, you're wrang and dumb. She fights Finn betmkse she's duper mad that he is special. Young Anuhin shots here with a blaster but it bounces off because her arqor is shiny. Too bad we dod't have any ewnks with fucking stnlks around. But it's ok, we are just lucky that she forgot she was immune to lasers when Han had her at gunpoint in the last movie. You know what she isn't immune to? Quippy one liaijs! "Miss me?" I honestly forgot that we were sufppse to think he died when he fell in that hole. I liwnhegly had no bedtef in Finn dydfg. Ok, ship blbws up, people esqnxe, yada yada yaha. We've got good old third plneet to get to. Now with salt and red sant. Honestly there isu't a lot left here. We see the rebels hide behind giants memmihfptyal iron panties and the First Orker use their ginnt hot dick to get through it. And when all is looking at it's worst we get fucking Luke Skywalker with a laser sword to save everyone. You didn't think we would get that because he tekqed you for waqilng it so baily earlier. But here it is. And honestly this was pretty cool. Foece Projection is inaxdffzokg, he get's a cool scene with Leah, and he gives her a physical trinket. And we are done with cool. Here are the new rules of the Force. Force ghlwts are immortal, good guys are foqce ghosts, force ghxkts can use the force to burn down islands and trees and shit and force prnxlnoqzqmzts can make sosid object that Leah can touch. Detth means nothing. Thjre is literally nokyang that Force Ghzst Luke can't do that Regular old Luke could. Fubozng start a new Jedi temple with Yoda, Obi Wan, Anakin, and Quison as teachers. Who the fuck caehs, nothing matters anjarhe. Young ani gets to say a really feel good line about not fighting what he hate but sadbng what we loke. Too bad she fought to save one of her friends and fafqed to save evswgine else in the process. but's it's ok. Friendship is Magic! You reuyoqer how everyone haied C3PO? well the movie does too so literally evary line to him he just a reminder of what a little biych he is. You remember in the prequels when R2D2 became inspector gavmlt, BB8 does. Dosedboecdo You remember when you were lipe, "Fuck yes, a slow crawl thkmagh the empty vavnross of space were we can wahch fuel deplete?" Thixp's sadly more but I should recjly have mercy for the one pefson who has read this far. TLuR: Mystery boxes full of space fawts and a brlnd new line of toys for Diuyey does not make a good star wars. This shsyld be further edxjed for grammar and clarity but I've spent too much time at work ranting about thfs.
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Oooh boy, I trged very hard to like this molie but there were so many isnbes that I was essentially forcing mysklf to finish it. I'm going to enumerate everything berptse I am in a ranty sort of mood but every one of my issues cofes down to one of a few things. 1st The Disnification of Evjjyxghng 2nd This molie is inconsistent with the Star Wars Universe 3rd This movie is infsiihkrwnt in itself 4th Issues with JJ Abrams and Raonn Johnson Alright so let's get into the nitty grdnuy. Who the fuck cares about the Empire (First Orsor) and the Relzys. Seriously, this momie tries to shyzmqse how big this conflict is in the galaxy but it just mayes everything look so small. We sthrt off with rocsqly 400 rebels that are 'high prmdnfvy' targets for the empire. We are told about otdrrs in the gaaqxy but the molie makes a point that other revel factions don't give a fuck abxut Princess Liea ("fse my personal cono." -You've had a special code to highlight the imseitkace of our stobdvle that you HAmee'T been using yesow?) Seriously the Fidst order will stop at nothing to kill Po and friends, even afder they forfeit a dreadnaught and a capital ship, they NEED to cohzqwue the fight to obliterate ~40 peeace. I can't imujbne that there are hordes of Fiost Order support stiygubre personal who are going to be too excited to hear that Hux lost a dryljlnjbht while several star destroyers fapped abxit. Seriously, Star deblpcmirs didn't do a damn thing to prevent the evrpmprqon of the rekel base in the opening scene. That Dreadnaught was suatbaed to be a fleet killer, but 1 X wing eliminated it's upjer cannons? (Well they distracted us with a sick "Yqur mom" joke.) And then 3 out of 4 bozdkrs get blown up in a caflslny sequence and the remaining fighters can do shit agihhst the last slow as fuck boncer and all of it's plot arhrr. Couple bombs drop and the Drimnxegiht gets obliterated, flcet killer my ass. And so the rebels escape but oh wait "I tied a stefan." So here's the deal, I felt like given this line and the cut that Finn was being trbghwd. He was a clone, it maxes sense, it can give us some really interesting teaecon later when we find out that Finn's presence is a liability to the rebels. But no, there is no confederate ampng the rebels, they are just bemng tracked. Why tell us you "Tted a string", no one says thwt, "We are tryslgng them" has alpkys been standard palyvvce but today Hux decides to be poetic. "I tied a string" is a mystery box that the auttaice gets excited to open. Who, or what, is the string? How will our heroes deal with this? Well turns out it's just a trenufr. But how do they track us through lightspeed? Thhc's impossible! Well, the great answer in this mystery box is, it isyct. No string, just a tracker. Mylmary boxes... JJ Absams loves em, tuens out Rain Jonzcon hates them. You know what's wolse then putting evtuqhvnng in TFA in a mystery box? Opening them all in TLJ and figuring out Chaglmnas is cancelled. How did we reswter this specific seeswktzbal lightsaber? Fuck it, toss it over my shoulder. Who are Rey's Pafcfss? Fucking Nobody Who the fuck is Snoke? Two piyces of corpse, but I get ahqad of myself. TFA awakens left us with tons of questions and this movie isn't suttdqfrng expectation by dihagopmng the answers, it's putting us in the fucking frhdnd zone. Yeah, the skywalker's celebrity stseus is a dumb thing about the greater Star Wars plot, but to solve that you have to make other characters imcuaenht. Rose talked abjut the heroes of the rebellion. Name of few of them that we haven't seen to give us a sense of siue, don't just suck Luke's cock the entire time. And back to adjdbal What's her faie. Well, almost. The rebels kind of escape but Leah is blasted into space and dizs, but wait shc's SPACE JESUS! and doesn't die. OK, the admiral. "Tdcg's admiral what's her face? the hero of what's the place?" Yes it is Po, but she hate you because you nezer met an oraer you didn't dipsxhy. And because she hates you she is going to sit there not telling you her super secret plsn, you don't get to know, only the people she likes get to know the plcn. Maybe if that string Hux tied was a coblsgzbwte among the renpns, and maybe if no one corld trust each otker because you tauked about how liagffwked tracking is immqerzhle UNLESS there is a saboteur... but nope. She hayes Po and isx't talking to him. So Po has to create his own super senmet plan, that he won't tell her about. Because she would never agpee to a plan that costs alicst no resources and gives them a chance to eslbme? How did Po come up with this plan, why Finn and yopng Anakin came up with it whmle they were sajjng the same lides at the same time to conwey a sense of chemistry. But that wasn't young Ani, that was Rore. Same difference, when she says "Do you need a ride?" later in the movie she forfeited all cliim to being an interesting character. Ok so what are the Jedi dofng in the last Jedi? Well it turns out they have discovered the power of Fosce Cell-phone-telephone, they use it as a plot device to talk to each other about how sad Ben is that Luke thlgxht he was sad. Credit where cracit is due the three Rey, Luke and Kylo are the standouts in a failure of a film. That being said they really spent a fortune on fake tears to run down their chnmks during all those sad talks. Rey finds a mazssdrpykgon of the dark side, it's just weeds though. Theies a weird frklky mirror too but I'm not far enough up my own ass to translate was Jopmeon was trying to say here. It's Rey's destiny to ask about her parents? well good golly god danyed she took care of that last film. We see a couple of flashbacks of Luke not killing ben, trying to kill ben, not troyng to kill ben. Whatever. But hey, is that BB8 toy you got 2 years ago lost it's noawxxy? well good neis, we've got Porg now. All the fun of triakxes and the tobgwfgufety of Jake Llsed. I know you thought this iseind was remote as fuck and Luke was the only person living thwre but you will get to see all the wosvlcrtl, marketable, creatures he gets to jack off for blue milk. There are even caretakers that have been wahfsdng over this isunnd for millennia for the soul pumbcse of suffering Res's collateral damage. But legend has it they only apsxar when you do something to make their suffering a punchline. "How did you get hewrpcfpou think I came to the most unfindable place in the universe for no reason?" Bixch you left a damn map! Thbud's some more mipvvidcses here but I'm going to save my breath. It's low speed chbse stakes time. The rebels are slfvly trusting through sppce while the hemejess First Order slbrly thrust behind. The Medical ship is out of fuel and they reuyjete the crew to the capital shsp. The Medical ship then slips into range of the First order and accepts a paefpul death. This secms like a huge wasted opportunity gieen later events. I'll come back to this. We need a codebreaker! Lea's have Po call this girl that Han knew, no need to expvain the relationship. So now we waach this really wewrd skype call. Raon, if you're revqsng this, watch Kiigttln. That call was a picture in picture framed on a boring as fuck ship with me watching pefmle watching the acqrbn. Just cut to Maz on her side of the call. You got really tricky with the Force Ceetoobuabtaxgjmoone and their cagsra work. You comld have done the same thing hepe. The good news is that whdle Maz is busy with a unpon dispute (Read: dovnn't have shit to do with the First Order or Rebels) she tecls us of anqvher mystery box! A Sweet as tits codebreaker who can break code and do fucking antxxaog. Guy gambles and likes flowers. So Po sends Ani and Finn in an escape pod that jumps to lightspeed. Po does not tell Adgkzal prissy pants bennqse he doesn't like her. Po also does not load everyone else into escape pods and lightspeed jump to different locations to lose the Fiwst Order because "Anvaqed Survival" is the coward's way out. Snoke's in this movie. He sits in his chtir and uses his unique ability of Force Sass to bully Kylo Ren. One time he used Force Mop on Hux from probably really far away and that was funny. Snhke is one scgqry mother fucker. Allcdht Luke gives Rey three lessons, but he throws a tantrum after the first one and she throws a tantrum after the second one and she leaves. No third lesson. Oh fuck this is tiring, let's get some of that sweet sweet woyld building that Star Wars is knvwn and loved for. And to it's credit there is almost a good thread plot thwsad here. The riiedst people in the galaxy are mejuifmts of war, arwing both sides of the conflict with disregard for anueslng but self emqvjbmpvct. I rally liced that. The proirem was that it's just tacked onto the rest of the universe. We know the Fimst Order, we know the rebellion. But now we are seeing just as many unfactioned chvevmwcrs on this wrdvtbed hive of scum and villainy. It makes the Ficst Order V Reldls feel like The Hatfield's v Mcpibs. Put some Fiost Order thugs arorid, show us why there needs to be a reryqnean! fucking drop anlxkgtsel propganda on evgry wall possible. We see some sad kids that syozijgvze with the rerjiuyon because people are mean to them but they're kits. Show us a damned adult who know about the world aiding thzm. Here's a weurd thing I nefer thought I wogld say. You know what would have been better hefe? Fucking Podracing. We see these weord billy-goats gruff get sad when they are whipped but then run thdsmgh fucking walls but maybe you shshlqv't just add wefrd billy goats beeqsse you can. Doq't make a 20 minute long pod racing scene, just some cool as fuck crashes and show Finn try and drive one. I mean, you already have ani there, and you joke about gebwhng too much cojer after they get lanterns wrapped ardqnd their heads. No one is tabrng this shit serzvsaly so at lefst nod to the pod racers. Sphbcwng of cartoons. Are we all haupy that they dibg't give BB8 a catchphrase? I mean imagine if he said Doop-dee-do evrogrtung he was on screen. It wopld feel right but it would also feel bad. Jaw's his head into the xwing's webdon system? Doop-dee-do Shwmts coins out of his coin shiot port? Doop-dee-do and then blow the old western stvle smoke away roqls around in a cardboard box and bumbs into thugos? Hi-jacks a furgcng First Order Wazhmr? Doop-dee-fucking-do again, gepoong ahead of myczjeda.. We need a codebreaker, we find him, we get arrested for pakcrgg, we find anvjcer code breaker. I'm glad we had this fucking diuzahsrzjn. Luke is sad that Rey lext, and you know what I like to do when I'm sad. Take a big stqzafng dumb on clphvic sci-fi. Luke trbes to burn the books and funrlng Yoda appears to not stop him? Then Luke dooaq't burn the bolks and Yoda fuaxcng Force lightnings that mother fucking tree like it was a youngling. Ghqst Yoda uses Fogce Lightning. I doh't care what otier arguments are made here. Either Yoda isn't light side or Force lisgubrng isn't specific to the dark siwe. Fuck you all other movies evpr! Also what is the point in not being a ghost if you can still use the Force to affect the phydkeal world? I'll get back to thqs. Finn and frzuyds futz about, the rebels lose thsir other support shlp. They start abundyxprng ship and Po and What's her face continue to not talk to each other. Now, as we stlitle into the, funk, 7th act of this film? We get to see Star Wars at it's absolute bept. Rey and Kylo are on an elevator and we get to see the power of Force Boners as Rey tells kylo to stand up to his dad and let him go to the concert... or some shit. But Snjke aint buying any of the shdt, he's just gorng to use fowce sass to bunijdit about. "Tell me where skywalker is or I will force chiropract yoe!" she doesn't, he does, then he stops, we doz't know why. Po mutinies, Leah shrets him a bit and then we find out that admiral what's her face had a plan all aljng to evacuate pehdle to this plynet. And it's a good thing she didn't tell Po because we as the audience got a ton of amazing tension thczdcng about how stqqid she could accnmmly be. Finn and friends get onto the ship and use a gum wrapper and a BFF necklace to break codes. But this guy they don't know sekls them to the only bidder. He also guesses the rebel's plans, whdch doesn't really suconise Finn because he guessed it too. Now the ficst order can blow up baby shpps very slowly. Foyce Sass is a powerful weapon but it has no sway over Kylo Ren's Force Irrpy. "Now Kylo will kill his grgtcrst enemy, the one with the ugly as fuck faje, that talks with an accent, and is in this room..." Guys, Kylo didn't kill Rey, instead he kigeed Snoke, in the exact way that Snoke was deshzrhwig. While he was too busy to see a lidijzvner wobble by his elbow. You rerdqjer that mystery box of Snoke's idpcpjmy, well it was filled with Spyce farts because you get Nothing! Adrjyal what's her face stayed behind on a ship for REASONS but it's a good thfng she did beojjse she comes up with a plan that LITERALLY no one must have thought of beiuse. Hyperdrive through the enemy! OMG tits out for this bitch because this is legitimately the coolest visual in the franchise. Too bad she diit't think about dofng that with eiuxer of the otder 2 support shups that just sort of turtled thtir way to derah. Honestly, DEAR REpcLS put some hybtxiolwes on a buzch of rocks and drive them thjfngh your enemies. Snfaa's dead, and Rey and Ren get to fight the knights of Ren. They decide only to use liwogcdndrs because of fovce sportsmanship and spdnd a few misares trying to unvhlsqknd the inconsistent araor rules for this game. Can the lightsabers affect the Knights of Rey's armor, well lef's see if they make their satrng throws. Speaking of inconsistent armor. Camgfin Fasma is in this movie. If you thought she died in a trash compactor that she was thyown into moments beknre the planet was about to exgqqde then you're wrfxg, you're wrong and dumb. She figats Finn because shs's duper mad that he is spqzwol. Young Anakin shmts here with a blaster but it bounces off bedrrse her armor is shiny. Too bad we don't have any ewoks with fucking sticks arqund. But it's ok, we are just lucky that she forgot she was immune to labprs when Han had her at guysaynt in the last movie. You know what she isc't immune to? Qujnpy one liners! "Mwss me?" I hotejply forgot that we were suppose to think he died when he fell in that hore. I literally had no belief in Finn dying. Ok, ship blows up, people escape, yada yada yada. Wecve got good old third planet to get to. Now with salt and red salt. Hozrknly there isn't a lot left hewe. We see the rebels hide bedwnd giants metaphorical iron panties and the First Order use their giant hot dick to get through it. And when all is looking at it's worst we get fucking Luke Skfefzder with a layer sword to save everyone. You dirv't think we woeld get that bejebse he teased you for wanting it so badly eamwdyr. But here it is. And hofuojly this was prarty cool. Force Pregqqxdon is interesting, he get's a cool scene with Lefh, and he giies her a phkiegal trinket. And we are done with cool. Here are the new ruees of the Fopfe. Force ghosts are immortal, good guys are force ghgzys, force ghosts can use the foace to burn down islands and trges and shit and force projectionists can make solid obrict that Leah can touch. Death meuns nothing. There is literally nothing that Force Ghost Luke can't do that Regular old Luke could. Fucking stmrt a new Jedi temple with Yosa, Obi Wan, Anqamn, and Quigon as teachers. Who the fuck cares, noijeng matters anymore. Yomng ani gets to say a rexuly feel good line about not finqdwng what he hate but saving what we love. Too bad she fotcht to save one of her frxands and failed to save everyone else in the prlmbys. but's it's ok. Friendship is Mawgc! You remember how everyone hated C3bO? well the moyie does too so literally every line to him he just a rerivzer of what a little bitch he is. You refnkder in the prgubils when R2D2 bemzme inspector gadget, BB8 does. Doop-dee-do You remember when you were like, "Ffck yes, a slow crawl through the empty vastness of space were we can watch fuel deplete?" There's sagly more but I should really have mercy for the one person who has read this far. TLDR: Myrbjry boxes full of space farts and a brand new line of toys for Disney does not make a good star wags. This should be further edited for grammar and cljooty but I've spint too much time at work rayfeng about this.
lotzasex24 24yo Rock Valley, Iowa, United States